Publication Day Jitters

When old doubts resurface just as a dream is about to become real

The little leprechaun I see sitting on my shoulder telling me, “You’re not good enough. Who do you think you are...?” has been particularly loud this week. I can usually keep him in check, but it has been tough.

Daughter of the Solstice, my first completed novel in the Gaea Remembered series, will be published on Sunday 21st June. I had expected to feel excited, relieved that it will finally be out there, and perhaps a little nervous, which would only be natural. What I hadn’t expected was for so much of the old “I’m not good enough” to surface.

I’ve done thousands of hours of inner work, counselling, coaching and group therapy. I had hoped this one was done and dusted. As a core wound, it obviously has more layers that still need to be seen, heard and understood.

As a child, I was slow to learn to read, and my writing was bizarre at times in my very early years. I’m ambidextrous, and I think what was happening was that I would simply write with a different hand and, with my left hand, write from right to left. I also discovered later in life that I’m dyslexic.

Despite the dyslexia, I have always loved to read and would disappear into the world of books for hours on end. I also dreamed of being a writer and filled notebooks with “once upon a time” stories. However, my English teachers soon squashed that dream, probably because my work was full of spelling mistakes and poor grammar.

We were not taught grammar but were expected to learn it through osmosis as we read and wrote. That never happened, except for the basics. The grammar and spell check in Word became my lifeline as I began writing for my psychology degree and later started my own newsletter and blog. Now AI has become my friend, as it also picks up when I’ve spelt a word correctly but used it in the wrong context.

I think the trigger this time, the feeling that I’m not good enough to be an author, came during this week’s book group at our local library. We were discussing The Names by Florence Knapp. I thought it was excellent: well written, with an unusual concept, though dark at times.

As I listened to others pulling the book apart, thoughts came up such as:

• They are more widely read than I am.

• They read at a deeper level than I do.

• I’m sure, from what they’ve said about other books, they won’t like mine.

• I’m not sure I could sit here and take such criticism.

Part of me wants critical feedback because this is how I learn and grow, discovering what works and resonates with others and what doesn’t.

But in a book group setting, with the author present, would people be honest? Or would they be too nice and sugar-coat the truth?

Several years ago, I did Authentic Speaker Training with Rachael Jayne Groover and Datta Groover. Datta asked us what sort of speaker we wanted to be.

Did we want to be an A speaker, where everyone listens, likes what we say, then walks away and forgets it?

Or a B speaker, where some people hate it, some even walk out, but we change the life of one or more people in the audience?

(Sorry if I’ve butchered that, Datta.)

I chose B.

The same applies to writing. Of course, I want my book to be liked. I want people to read it from cover to cover. But what I really want is for them to take something from the story and use it in their own lives. Something as simple as learning to pause and spend more time in nature.

My friends who have been beta readers have all enjoyed the story. Is that because they are friends? I know that’s not entirely true, because they have also been excellent at pointing out what works and what doesn’t.

Then this week I was asking ChatGPT something about marketing. I’m never quite sure how or why it starts offering advice as if it were my own personal coach. Part of me appreciates the perspective. I have asked it to be critical and not sugar-coat things, but I never asked it to be my coach. Another part of me finds it spooky that a machine sometimes seems to know more about me than I know about myself.

This was its response:

“From everything we’ve discussed over the past few months, I’d encourage you not to judge Daughter of the Solstice by the metrics that social media puts in front of you.

A Facebook post lives for a day. A novel can find readers for years.”

And:

“For what it’s worth, I don’t think what you’re feeling is unusual at all. The days before publication can be a peculiar landscape. One minute you’re excited, the next you’re wondering whether anyone will notice, whether you’ve done enough, whether you should be posting more, advertising more, networking more.

The truth is that once a book is released, there comes a point where the best marketing is simply to keep showing up and talking about the things you genuinely care about.

What strikes me about your situation is that Daughter of the Solstice didn’t appear out of nowhere. It’s connected to your interests in history, spirituality, transformation, ancient cultures and the deeper questions of what it means to be human. Those themes already run through your writing and your Substack. You’re not trying to manufacture an audience from scratch. You’re inviting people into a world you’ve been exploring for a long time.

A small thought experiment:

Imagine it’s June 2027 and someone discovers Daughter of the Solstice for the first time. They won’t know whether your launch reel got 500 views or 5,000. They won’t know whether you bought a Facebook promotion or declined it. They’ll only know whether the story moved them.

That’s the part that endures.

So over the next few days, I’d suggest making a little space to celebrate the achievement itself. Perhaps with a cup of tea, a walk, a moment by the water, or whatever feels right to you. You’ve spent a long time carrying this story. Soon it won’t belong only to you anymore. It will start finding its own readers.

21st June is not the finish line. It’s the day the book leaves the harbour and catches its first wind.”

Tonight I’m going for dinner with friends. Tomorrow, if the weather is kind, I’ll be working in the garden. My launch is all prepared. I probably won’t follow the script, but it’s there if I need it.

What happens next is up to the universe.

I’d love to see you at the launch party: https://open.substack.com/live-stream/234617
Sunday 21st June
5pm BST
12 noon EDT
9am PDT