Not Opposites. Co-Creators

On feminine and masculine essence, and the balance that changes everything

Centuries ago, a few select men in positions of power, within religion and government, were threatened and frightened by the power of women. They began to do anything possible to keep women’s strengths contained. They did this by restricting what a woman was allowed to do, where she was allowed to go, how she could be seen, and by generally belittling her.

This is still going on today, though it is more apparent in some societies than others.

Here in the west, women have been fighting back over the last hundred years or so. Women started to demand equality, beginning with the Suffragette movement and the right to vote, and by proving they were capable of all kinds of work during the wars. This was followed by the feminist movement of the 1960s and 70s, fuelled by the sexual freedom the contraceptive pill allowed.

There is still a way to go, and I believe one of the stumbling blocks is that women have tried to achieve equality by copying the behaviour of men, instead of using their own remarkable feminine essence, strength and acumen.

At the Vancouver Peace Summit in 2009 the Dalai Lama said: “The world will be saved by the western woman.” He also said: “Some people may call me a feminist... but we need more effort to promote basic human values — human compassion, human affection. And in that respect, females have more sensitivity for others’ pain and suffering.”

What Is Feminine and Masculine Essence?

We are energetic beings, and our energy has both male and female essences, but one of them will feel more natural if you listen to your body and emotions. Culture and society have resulted in many people being in denial of, or disconnected from, their natural essence. This leads to stress, health issues, lack of joy, and difficulty attracting and sustaining a passionate and loving relationship.

Your natural essence typically goes with gender, so most women have a dominant feminine essence, although a small percentage may feel more comfortable with the masculine. This is not correlated with sexual preference and has nothing to do with how you choose to dress. I can be as feminine in my jeans and wellies as I can in a dress and fancy shoes. Actually, I am probably more feminine in my jeans, as they are what I am most comfortable in.

Your essence is activated when you make certain physical, energetic, and emotional shifts. Not understanding or acknowledging your own, or others’, natural essence leads to misunderstandings and breakdowns in communication. How the two essences respond and react to a situation are vastly different.

We all have these traits. It is knowing how to use them appropriately that matters.

Some Feminine and Masculine Essence Traits

Many women believe that to get on in the workplace and climb the corporate ladder, the only way is to act like men. This has had a negative effect on women, men, and the workplace. Being out of their natural comfort zone has made many women authoritarian, aggressive, and unable to compromise, especially with other women. They often appear supremely confident, yet inside they are paddling wildly, trying to stay afloat.

Equality has progressed significantly over the last fifty years, but it still has a long way to go. The education system and businesses are still mostly run in ways that favour masculine attributes, which focus on the mind, goals, structure, and order. There is nothing wrong with these attributes, but what has been forgotten is that biologically, physically, and mentally, men and women are different. If both sets of attributes were accepted and valued, the world would be healthier, happier, and more productive.

As John Gray suggests in his series of books Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, we might as well be from different planets.

When a woman is disconnected from or denying her feminine essence, not only does it have a negative impact on herself, but men around her are also affected. If a woman is not in her feminine essence, it becomes harder for a man to step into his masculine essence. The masculine essence naturally wants to provide and protect the feminine. If a woman is always being fiercely independent, she may be denying him this and dimming his spark in the process. This is possibly what is causing the rise in the use of pornography and sexism against women. This is not about being dependent on men at all times. It is simply about sometimes giving them the opportunity to show their strengths. Let men hold the door open, move those heavy boxes, or choose where to take you for dinner.

Not only in the working environment, but also at home and in the bedroom, women are denying their feminine essence. They do not want to be perceived as weak or needy, but in doing so they are actually disconnecting from their source of power, magnetism, and sensuality. Being authentic and vulnerable can be incredibly powerful. When you are not being true to yourself, you rarely deceive others, only yourself, as your body language will frequently give you away. There is a loss of resonance and harmony between your actions and words, which causes others to withdraw and prevents them from trusting you fully.

I plead guilty to this. It was not until after my husband died that I realised I was not doing my friends, my family, or myself any favours in always trying to be independent, functioning most of the time from my masculine essence. My husband and I had an amazing relationship. Yet it could have been even better if I had been more connected to my feminine essence, if I had been prepared to be vulnerable and to surrender at times.

Surrender is not about losing your power or being submissive. It is about going with the flow and being totally in the moment. Finding my feminine essence has been one of the biggest shifts on my personal development journey. It has been truly healing on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. I now feel connected to who I really am. I feel so much more confident and at ease in my body. I feel in touch with my emotions, energy, and intuition. People notice me, in a positive way, and I also feel safer and more relaxed around others.

Some women may be scared of their feminine essence because they have been abused or have received unwanted attention from men. However, by denying your sexuality rather than owning it in a wholesome, safe way, you may invite more of this unwanted attention. By stepping into and learning how to hold the power of your feminine essence, you can feel safe and are able to be your true, authentic self.

When you embody your natural essence you will have a better sense of yourself, more confidence and self-esteem, and greater ease in creating lasting love, passion, and fulfilment.

Balance Is Essential

We have both essences within us, and neither should become permanently dominant. They are co-creators.

Co-creation is not about splitting yourself equally between two modes, or achieving some precise balance at all times. It is more like a conversation between two very different but equally essential voices. One brings flow, feeling, and receptivity. The other brings structure, direction, and focus. When both are present and in communication, something becomes possible that neither could produce alone.

Think of any creative act. The idea arrives in flow, often unbidden, in a moment of receptivity. But it is structure, discipline, and the ability to focus and complete that brings it into form. Neither is more important. The river needs the banks, and the banks need the river.

Co-creation is not one essence dominating or suppressing the other. It is each showing up when most needed, in service of something larger than either alone.

You want to lead with your natural essence, but there are times when the other is required. When I first learnt about this, I leaned far too heavily on the masculine. Then I went too far the other way and spent most of my time in my feminine essence. I loved being in the flow, my body felt less stressed, but things were falling apart around me for lack of structure. The river had no banks. I have come to see the balance as this: sometimes the banks are rigid like canyon walls, other times they are the soft banks of a water meadow, happy to allow the water to overflow. Both serve the river. Both are needed.

If You Are Struggling to Connect With Your Natural Essence:

Women connect through their hips, and their power centre is in the lower belly. In the Art of Feminine Presence we call this the womb space or home. Even if you have had a hysterectomy, as I have, this is still a very powerful place to connect with. Flowing dance is a wonderful way in, as is tilting and tipping the pelvis as you do in pilates and yoga.

Men find it helpful to feel grounded, to get into their legs. Think of tribal dances with stamping feet. Their power centre is just below the navel.

Have fun experimenting. Become aware of moments of discomfort and ask yourself whether you are coming from the essence that best serves you in that situation.

---

This article was adapted from the chapter “The Missing Ingredient That Keeps You Stuck” in my book Beyond Hot and Crazy: A Radical Guide to Living Well with Menopause. Available at https://books.by/pam-lob

The themes of feminine essence, awakening, and the wisdom of the ancient world also run through my debut novel Daughter of the Solstice — coming very soon.